Parenting: Prescribing The Symptom
Rebecca was struggling with 3 year old Kevin's screaming. Whenever someone didn't do what he wanted, he screamed and screamed, hoping to get his way. Rebecca had tried many different things to get Kevin to stop screaming, such as time outs, telling him to use his words, walking away and ignoring him, taking away toys and taking away events, such as a birthday party. A couple of times she had lost it and screamed back at him. Nothing was working to get Kevin to stop screaming. Even though screaming didn't work for him to get his way, he kept doing it.
As Rebecca and I discussed it in a phone session, it became apparent to me that Kevin and Rebecca were stuck in a power struggle, with Rebecca trying to get Kevin to stop screaming and Kevin doing everything he could to resist being controlled. We needed another tactic.
"Rebecca, the next time Kevin screams, do what I call 'prescribing the symptom.' This means that you say to Kevin something like, "Kevin, maybe you are not screaming loud enough. Maybe if you scream louder, you will get what you want." You need to say it in a light tone of voice, with no anger. Almost matter-of-factly."
The next time Kevin screamed, Rebecca did exactly that.
"Kevin looked at me like 'are you kidding me?' and screamed louder. So I told him that it must not be loud enough, so he screamed louder. When I told him it still wasn't loud enough, he looked at me like I was nuts and stopped screaming. He hasn't screamed like that since!"
So what happened here? What happened is that Kevin was screaming to not be controlled by Rebecca, as well as hoping to get his way. When she actually told him to scream, the only way he could not be controlled by her was to stop screaming! Her prescribing the symptom also pointed out to him the absurdity of screaming to get his way.
Prescribing the symptom can work for many behaviors:
"Maybe if you whine even more, you will get what you want."
"I don't think your temper tantrum is quite doing it. Maybe if you kick harder and cry louder, you will get what you want. I'm sure you can do better than this."
"You know, that's a pretty good pout. But it's not quite good enough. Maybe if you pout even more you can get what you want."
"You are putting up a pretty good argument. Maybe if you argue longer and louder, you will get what you want."
You need to be sure that you do this right away, before you feel angry or frustrated. You need to be able to keep it light. It is important for your child to see you calm rather than flustered. Sometimes kids act out just to feel the sense of control over their parents' behavior when their parents get angry and flustered. It can give children a sense of power to upset people so much bigger than them.
Fortunately or unfortunately, prescribing the symptom can work with adults too - adults who are acting like kids and going into resistance. Many people automatically resist as soon as they think someone is trying to control them and prescribing the symptom can work wonders with these resistant people.
It might even work with your self. If you find yourself reaching for the box of cookies when you have vowed to lose weight, telling yourself that maybe eating the whole box will make you feel better and solve whatever problem or feelings you are trying to avoid with the cookies might just stop you in your tracks, as it did with Kevin!
Margaret Paul, Ph.D., best-selling author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. FREE Inner Bonding course at: http://www.innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available. mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com.Tennis Tee Shirt
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As Rebecca and I discussed it in a phone session, it became apparent to me that Kevin and Rebecca were stuck in a power struggle, with Rebecca trying to get Kevin to stop screaming and Kevin doing everything he could to resist being controlled. We needed another tactic.
"Rebecca, the next time Kevin screams, do what I call 'prescribing the symptom.' This means that you say to Kevin something like, "Kevin, maybe you are not screaming loud enough. Maybe if you scream louder, you will get what you want." You need to say it in a light tone of voice, with no anger. Almost matter-of-factly."
The next time Kevin screamed, Rebecca did exactly that.
"Kevin looked at me like 'are you kidding me?' and screamed louder. So I told him that it must not be loud enough, so he screamed louder. When I told him it still wasn't loud enough, he looked at me like I was nuts and stopped screaming. He hasn't screamed like that since!"
So what happened here? What happened is that Kevin was screaming to not be controlled by Rebecca, as well as hoping to get his way. When she actually told him to scream, the only way he could not be controlled by her was to stop screaming! Her prescribing the symptom also pointed out to him the absurdity of screaming to get his way.
Prescribing the symptom can work for many behaviors:
"Maybe if you whine even more, you will get what you want."
"I don't think your temper tantrum is quite doing it. Maybe if you kick harder and cry louder, you will get what you want. I'm sure you can do better than this."
"You know, that's a pretty good pout. But it's not quite good enough. Maybe if you pout even more you can get what you want."
"You are putting up a pretty good argument. Maybe if you argue longer and louder, you will get what you want."
You need to be sure that you do this right away, before you feel angry or frustrated. You need to be able to keep it light. It is important for your child to see you calm rather than flustered. Sometimes kids act out just to feel the sense of control over their parents' behavior when their parents get angry and flustered. It can give children a sense of power to upset people so much bigger than them.
Fortunately or unfortunately, prescribing the symptom can work with adults too - adults who are acting like kids and going into resistance. Many people automatically resist as soon as they think someone is trying to control them and prescribing the symptom can work wonders with these resistant people.
It might even work with your self. If you find yourself reaching for the box of cookies when you have vowed to lose weight, telling yourself that maybe eating the whole box will make you feel better and solve whatever problem or feelings you are trying to avoid with the cookies might just stop you in your tracks, as it did with Kevin!
Margaret Paul, Ph.D., best-selling author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. FREE Inner Bonding course at: http://www.innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available. mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com.Tennis Tee Shirt
004 Qualia
3rd Best Best Day Day Easy Easy Hike Hike National Park Series Shenandoah
Bed Breakfast Pennsylvania Pittsburgh
Diamond Earring Ruby
Gas
1812 Age Fighting Naval Sail Story War
Airport Fairfield Inn Sacramento Suite
Sterling Silver Man Earring
Retirement
Job
Dashboard Confessional Mtv Unplugged
Electric Shoe Polisher
Accident Attorney New York City
Equinox Gym Los Angeles
Tool Box Truck Bed Cover
Leaf Rubber Stamp
Dolphin Lamp
Rockport Tennis Shoes
1 Mpeg
Athletics Georgetown
Fundamentals Neuroscience Rehabilitation
0824 Brita Dispenser Water
Peachfaced Love Bird
Vegan Detox Diet
0 Car Deposit Finance Uk
Benefit Of Drinking Water For Skin
Wet Leather
007 Everything Or Nothing Walkthrough
Central Oregon Bed And Breakfast
Jewelry
Home Office Furniture Naples
Business Candy Entertainer Machine Vending
Display Free Holiday Picture
Art Colleges In New York
Rustic Furniture Dallas
1773 Act Image Tea
Healthy Dessert Recipe
Carpet Grass
Cycling Poster
Golf Magazine Review
10 Mg Oxycontin
Company Ga In Macon Tow Truck
04 Advice Dating
Cheap Chandelier Earrings
Chicago Style Magazine
Yoga Mat Manufacturer
Aurora Newspaper
Living Waters Assembly Of God
100 Carpet Moment Red
Garden Memorial Pet
Dating Online Service Single
Christmas Gift Rated Top
America In Retiring South
Center Clinic Glasgow Medical
1 Apartment Cat Finder
10 2007 California Obituary
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Instant Car Loans
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Construction
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